Don't Worry, I Can

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, looking to sink my teeth into a love like Edward Cullen. I truly believed there was a person out there for everyone, and that when we found them, we would do our best to make sure the love was healthy and everlasting. Long walks on the beach, cuddling during any type of storm, being able to truly be appreciated for everything you are, I wanted it to be like the movies.

Now, years later, I find myself looking for love that can be true and pure. I want to be able to be trusted, and give my complete trust back. I want fireworks every single time we talk. I want everything.

Today, I find myself feeling like these are just dreams, as if people are to self-centered and closed off to want the same thing, and I thought expressing myself as a bad boy would make me fit into the mold society is carving out. I AM NOT CLAY. I will not allow myself to be shaped the same way as everyone else. I will not lose sight on what makes me, me.

I want love that stares me in the face every single morning and tells me I am safe, heard and respected. I want a love that tells me when I overstep the boundary but loves me even with my faults. I want love that isn’t based on sex, but understands the importance of expressing sexual attraction and pleasure. I want a love that will wait for me, that I can wait for, and build something even bigger than ourselves.

I want a family. I want kids. I want the whole nine yards. I will not allow my sexuality to define the life I can live with my partner, and I will fight for it. I want to own a home that will house my future family and the life we create for ourselves. I want to beat the odds.

I don’t want to give into the pressures of everyone around me. I will NOT allow myself to become a statistic of gay Latinx men that live in the ghettos of the city. I will NOT allow myself to be played with emotionally. I will NOT sell myself short and look for love inside of lust.

I will fight. I will protect. I will continue to search for what I want in life, and for the person who will truly value my time and efforts. I will no longer just write down my feelings and not better myself. I will take a stand for what I deserve. I will get up and make sure I am the best person I can be.

I don’t care if I am young. I don’t care if I am still a student. I know the life I want to live, and if I have to wait for people to reach the same level of maturity, I will. No more second chances. Just me being me; true, honest and pure.

The Deal-io

I started this blog in order to not only help express myself, but to relieve me of the anxiety that has had me in a choke-hold. I am not one to get anxious or paranoid, but lately I have been feeling vulnerable. Some of you may not understand the feelings of anxiety, but in my experience, they’re the feelings of fear and uneasiness that creep up on you out of nowhere.

They’re suffocating.

I have come to find out these anxiety attacks I’ve been struggling with can be triggered by the smallest things at any given moment. I would get the urge to use the bathroom and then BAM, I would just get too anxious to go. My mind would spin, my hands would turn cold, and I wouldn’t be able to control it. Anxiety had never been more real for me. Since I have started this blog, I do not feel that my anxiety is bothering me the way it has before, where I would freeze up and my heart would race a thousand times a second.

It first started at my workplace, where I am a crew member and cashier at an independent frozen yogurt joint. Seems pretty laid back and wholesome, right?

I was there, ringing up a customer like I had done so many times before, and my hands started to shake uncontrollably. From there, I was stuttering like nobody’s business and mumbling, if anything was to come out of my mouth in a full sentence. If you have spoken to me in person you’d know I am not the silent, shy type. I am, for the most part, easy going and love to meet new people, even if it’s hard to get to know someone you just met. I’m outgoing in that sense.

In this moment, I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. My guard was down and all I wanted to do was shrink and disappear from the scene. I stood there and tried to compose myself from the fumbling mess I was becoming with no avail, all the while thinking to myself:

”What just happened?”

In the past if I would stop talking to someone, there would have to be a real reason for it. Depending on the situation, I would never think back on it and get upset. The truth of the matter is there is always that person who will anger you to the point where you have no choice but to let them go. It was the right choice and yet I was still angry at them for what they had put me through and how they treated the situation altogether. The anger I was holding on to, I believe, is what caused my mind to spiral into chaos. It was too much, too bottled up, and had nowhere to go.

I freaked out.

I have always been the type of person to understand how fragile my emotions are. Throughout high school I would know my feelings so well there was a set schedule when things would happen. Once a month I would pick a night and just cry.

Literally, sit in my room and cry for no given reason.

It was a stress reliever only a few people knew about. I would call it my “boy period” because I would feel sick to my stomach and just release any hidden problems. It came to my realization that every time I cried my eyes out there would be a full moon, or the sky would shine brighter than usual. To me, it meant that there was a brighter side to my problems and things would turn out okay. It was the strangest routine for me, but I felt relief and comforted in those moments after.

It was an amazing feeling to finally let my worries go into the night.

Fast forward to today and my emotional awareness isn’t even present in my every day life. I go around not understanding myself like I once did and being too lazy to try and fix what I miss about my younger self. With this blog, I hope to be able to understand myself, while allowing myself to be open to you, my fellow readers.

My anxiety, although still present, doesn’t control me the way it did a month ago. I will be able to understand myself one day and with the help of this blog, I can already see progress in myself. 

Connections known as Friendship

I remember a time when I was able to speak about my feelings to more than just one person. I would be able to ask someone for their time and reveal the many faces that make up who I am. Friendship is crucial in a world filled with liars and deceivers. In a world filled with billions of people, why is it hard to speak?

I remember the time I had a friend to call my own. To be able to know their secrets and thoughts without any judgment towards their stance on life, was a feeling of hope and love. To be able to call this person a friend and understand that their struggle is also yours, to know that if they needed anything, that they had you to rely on, was an amazing balance. Trust was more than letters on a page, or a word in your dictionary, but a feeling and an action. Being able to hold someone else's thoughts as my own gave me a reason to live and accept.

But do connections really last? I am young and I am reckless, but I also believe that I understand what friendship holds and what it means to care for another person. I have always tried to think of the reason I do the things that I do, say the things that I say, and act the way I do in different situations. I have always told myself it is because of the friendships I have formed throughout my life. Thinking back on it now, I believe that the people I have loved and have given many days of my life to be with are the reason I behave the way I do.

Today, I understand that my view on friendship has to change. I have to form a new ideology on what I need to do in order to keep the bonds I try so hard to keep. Everyone has that person that they can go years without seeing and still understand that they have formed a bond and it should be preserved no matter the time frame.

For the time being, I will keep my existing ideology. No matter the time we have apart, I will care for you and live for the day that we once again meet and enjoy each others company, have no boundaries with each other and know that what we say is nothing more than fun and games, and understand that we will always respect and appreciate the mutual effort being applied by everyone. I will continue to try and form more bonds, and not for the sake of saying I know people, but for the sake of what I wanted to accomplish as a child: to be able to help anyone feel appreciated.  

Sunday Free Write

I have been thinking about the purpose of my blog and what I am trying to accomplish. I have always enjoyed writing, but I enjoy free writes even more. I believe my thoughts were meant to be shared to those who don't share the same opinions, and to voice out my feelings about certain topics. Due to this belief, I am starting a Free Write portion to my blog. Starting the week off with a long and boring  piece, and ending it with a small flow of thoughts that don't follow the same structure. So here it goes... my first free write on this blog!

I'm waiting for the day I can realize I need more in life than a canvas with thought up dreams that won't come true.

At this point in life I act as if I can get through with feelings of joy and although I try to talk myself out of it, I need to realize that isn't possible. We live in a society that keeps us learning in order to get ahead and I realize that. What I don't realize is that I need to build connections with people that see what I see. A well thought out life, with plan A's and B's- heck even Z's. The journey to get these plans are difficult. With feelings and hope we are all frozen in place. The need to be happy drives us but keeps us from changing lanes. 

Growing up, I was never taught to not do something. I was taught to learn from mistakes and only do the things I wanted.

I don't smoke.

I don't get high. 

I don't even enjoy being nude.

The life I live is a life I have created. A dreamt up life that has become reality. Some parts of course have their flaws. And again, I need to realize it. 

I make friends. 

I forget some.

I try and try again.

I love people I meet. I respect everyone who has showed me not to look at the outside. I've loved every moment with everybody. Younger, older, even the same age, I enjoy the crowds I flocked with. Sharing ideas, time, and memories. I love everyone who's loved or cared for me. 

I don't forget anybody. Names I do. But faces and good times are something kept in my back pocket. Gifts, songs, and deep dark secrets all hidden from those I meet. 

This little rant is just a little rant. Many people don't even care about my feelings and how I think. Many people fail to realize that I still care. But many people know I remember and I hope they, and you reading this, know I love you. 

Writing has never been my strong suit, but I love to give it a try. As long as I can keep thoughts flowing, I'll keep the book open as well. 

Love,

That One Friend

Honesty

​Moving on. An action that can mean so many different things to so many different people. From the literal sense of continued movement on ones path, to the more connotative meaning of letting something go and heading on without looking back. Of course, as a writer of my own thoughts and opinions, I am using it in the sense of moving on with my life without stressing over the actions of others.  

​Recently, I have been able to speak to my friends about personal matters. It feels amazing getting input back from people who you care for, even if you dont show how much they mean to you. I have honestly never cared about people the way I have recently. Not only because I am beginning to form new intimate relationships, but because I have recently learned I havent done my best when it comes to understanding how people feel about my actions. This brings me to todays piece. Honesty.

​I have always thought people would be able to be honest with me. From my family to my friends, I have always tried my best to express myself, and I have clearly been slacking in the personal section of my life. With tensions rising in my family, to tensions rising in new blossoming friendships. My motto has always been to keep your head up and see the best in people, and entering college, I can tell that my opinions of people have changed dramatically. For the worst.

​Throughout high school I was able to connect with people with ease, and once I graduated and headed into college, my interactions with strong opinionated individuals shifted to those trying to fit in with people completely different then their normal cliques. This bothered me enough to step back from creating new bonds and experiences and become less social and rethink the people I had met. I needed someone to challenge me as an individual, and only when I met independent minds was I able to rethink what I was looking for not only for myself but for my friendships.

​Being completely open could be difficult for some people, I understand that completely. But once a bond is formed, I dont believe anyone should feel the need to hold back. Ive always thought honesty was the best policy for a friendship, but I know that it isnt the best thing for every person. I have been attacked by friends who I thought cared for me as much as I had cared for them, and these pety little arguments break the bonds I took so long to build. In my book, once I let you stay over my house and say what you wanted to say, we were close friends. Once I am able to understand you are having issues and try my best as a person to help you, I believe you should be able to voice your feelings out to the fullest.

​Honesty. Being able to talk to people you care for, and maybe even those who dont. Like all good things, honesty has a flip side. The method in which it is presented has a long lasting affect on a relationship. Being able to express your feelings and ideas while respecting the other persons feelings is the best way to go across the situation. It is also important to wait until youre sure enough about what you want to say and how you want the relationship to be like at the end of the conversation. Most people who feel that theyre unheard and unloved express themselves violently and cause problems for not only the person theyre attacking, but for themselves. Not being able to move on without a clear resolution can have a long lasting effect on future relationships.

​As for my own experience with honesty, I have learned it is a two way street with both parties looking to better their relationship. I write this to not only express my feelings about honesty, but to let go of what is holding me back from becoming not only a better friend, but a better companion. With the help of R. Brault I will do as any wise person would do and understand that, "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."

Shout Out to Deo

Since the 19th century, deodorant has been keeping the pits of many stench free. Of course, there are still many people who live on this planet that believe the use of deodorant justifies not taking a shower daily. Deodorant is an amazing product that can be used to cover up the smell that comes along with the water your body produces and secretes to help maintain body temperature and can also help reduce excessive sweating. It comes in many forms such as gel and powder. The one I want to talk about is deodorant spray.

In a world where bacteria is forming into new diseases and becoming stronger, using products that are harder to infect is becoming a norm. Gel and powder deodorant, if shared, can spread germs from one individual to another and cause infections. That is why spray deodorant is becoming so popular, especially for men. Men want something easy to apply, and in a rare situation, safe to share. As a man, I have used many of these spray on products that do their job of maintaining a stench and sweat free underarm environment for me. As a man, I also know the procedures that should be exercised by all men before the use of these products.

Shower. Yes, it is possible to be running late and have no time for a shower so just slapping on deodorant becomes an option, but it isn't the best one. It can definitely attempt to mask the smell, but by the end of the day you will smell like a complete mess. Making sure to shower before the use of spray on deodorant can make a huge difference in how people view your lifestyle. Smelling like a rotten egg isn't pleasing to anyone and you wont be able to mask it until you find a shower and hop in! I have found myself in situations where I wake up late and need to start my day as soon as possible, and I have learned that using powder deodorant can go a long way.

Of course, you'll need to pass a wash cloth on your pits before just slapping on any sort of “deo” without a shower. It helps remove the old deodorant left on the pits from prior use and wipe off any sweat accumulated during the day before. Washed clothes also go a long way when taking a shower isn't possible. You want to smell as nice as you can so let's all remember that washed clothes is a key aspect to smelling nice.

You should definitely shower at least once a day to remove all that old stink on your body. I have met people who refuse to shower more than three times a week and that lifestyle is one to respect, but to also think about. If you don't sweat much and don't smell like three day old feet, then good on you! But if the people around you are starting to make faces, I think it's time to hop into the shower and scrub those probably hairy pits.  

Leadership: The View from a Not So Leader

Apparently, I am the only one that feels that I don't have the skills necessary to form new relationships. Growing up in a broken home with broken fellowships, I never quite got the hang of making friends. To this day, I do not feel capable of going up to someone and starting something that could be as beautiful as a friendship. Of course, that's me looking from the inside out.

Throughout high school I would get in trouble for my friend's actions because I was told I was one of the two leaders in the group. I personally have never felt in control of any of my friendships and continue to try and come out with a mutual agreement when making plans. Yes, I do have a loud personality with little to no boundaries But I allow myself to hear what people have to say and in turn be able to take what they say into consideration. Recently, I have been told more often that I have great leadership skills and am able to communicate in such a professional manner, that it is taking me by surprise.

I had little to no friends growing up. It took me a hell of a while to be able to talk to a classmate and talk about more than school. People I meet feel as if I have friends all over the world, when frankly I truly only know a handful of people inside and out. I have always tried to accept people for who they are, even if they have traits that aren't agreeable with my standards. As a communications major, I feel that it is my job to make sure I am able to not only accept anyone into my life, but be able to understand them.

I have had a handful of experiences with all types of people, from the physically impaired, to the mentally unstable. I have always looked to the best in people, no matter their issues, and I believe that makes me a great person. I can look at someone and treat them as a human and not as a brittle piece of glass that needs the worlds protection. Of course, if someone needs to be protected I believe I have the right to intervene to make sure nothing happens to the said person. I'll admit, I have my flaws when it comes to making friends, but I try my best to try and keep the bonds I create.

Leadership is a skill, a trait, and responsibility I don't even know how to use correctly. I never knew I had it.

Leadership is such a strong word that I personally don't believe it fits into my character. I feel like any other person in the crowd despite coming off as having a strong personality with views people don't normally share with the rest of the world. I have always wanted to walk in the middle of the group rather than the front. I try to listen to everyone in a conversation instead of hearing out only one person. I've never tried to lead a group, I simply wanted to be a part of one.

Knowing I can be a leader helps me understand that I can one day lead my own life and know I will have people behind me to support my every decision, even if they don't always agree. I will continue to be the outgoing person I have always tried to be, and knowing I can lead people makes me feel as humble as anyone in my position should be.

Fortunately, being seen as a leader makes me even more responsible when it comes to understanding how people feel. It's a hard and yet thrilling task to be able to get to know someone on that deep of a level, and accept the people around me for who they are. Knowing that I can have an effect on someone's views helps me appreciate the people who ignored me for many years. That my views of the world matter and I can be the voice for people who are too introverted to speak for themselves.

I will continue my growth as a student, friend, and leader in order to be the voice people want, instead of an unrefined man who chooses to be more self involved. All I need from my friends and family is to be open about how they feel, about what they want out of me. I can't be the person to voice opinions if I don't know what people think I need to do to get there. I respect honesty in order to work with everyone, as well as understand myself.

Great leaders not only lead their friends across journeys, but understand that not only their views are important, that in essence every individual in the crowd has an opinion and view that is just as important.