Don't Worry, I Can

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, looking to sink my teeth into a love like Edward Cullen. I truly believed there was a person out there for everyone, and that when we found them, we would do our best to make sure the love was healthy and everlasting. Long walks on the beach, cuddling during any type of storm, being able to truly be appreciated for everything you are, I wanted it to be like the movies.

Now, years later, I find myself looking for love that can be true and pure. I want to be able to be trusted, and give my complete trust back. I want fireworks every single time we talk. I want everything.

Today, I find myself feeling like these are just dreams, as if people are to self-centered and closed off to want the same thing, and I thought expressing myself as a bad boy would make me fit into the mold society is carving out. I AM NOT CLAY. I will not allow myself to be shaped the same way as everyone else. I will not lose sight on what makes me, me.

I want love that stares me in the face every single morning and tells me I am safe, heard and respected. I want a love that tells me when I overstep the boundary but loves me even with my faults. I want love that isn’t based on sex, but understands the importance of expressing sexual attraction and pleasure. I want a love that will wait for me, that I can wait for, and build something even bigger than ourselves.

I want a family. I want kids. I want the whole nine yards. I will not allow my sexuality to define the life I can live with my partner, and I will fight for it. I want to own a home that will house my future family and the life we create for ourselves. I want to beat the odds.

I don’t want to give into the pressures of everyone around me. I will NOT allow myself to become a statistic of gay Latinx men that live in the ghettos of the city. I will NOT allow myself to be played with emotionally. I will NOT sell myself short and look for love inside of lust.

I will fight. I will protect. I will continue to search for what I want in life, and for the person who will truly value my time and efforts. I will no longer just write down my feelings and not better myself. I will take a stand for what I deserve. I will get up and make sure I am the best person I can be.

I don’t care if I am young. I don’t care if I am still a student. I know the life I want to live, and if I have to wait for people to reach the same level of maturity, I will. No more second chances. Just me being me; true, honest and pure.

From Guilt to Action

A year ago today I was hit by the tragic news of Leelah Alcorn, a brave girl who took her life to make a change in our society. She was willing to take her own life and become a statistic for trans women everywhere and help push for social reform. Today, a year later, I am still riddled with the guilt of not being able to understand the circumstances she was in. I am not trying to sound ungrateful of the people around me that have supported me through the worst, but I am acknowledging the fact not everyone has had it as easy as I have.

                I have been called a faggot, I have been made a fool of for peoples’ entertainment, and I have cried tears of fear of what could happen to me because of who I am. Through all the rough patches, I was still accepted by the people who I wanted nothing but the best for, the people I called family. Being able to live my life without any fear of being completely ostracized by my peers helped me build my confidence in facing the world and the many people that looked at me with disgust and judgement.

                Of course, this confidence blinded me of the reality that many LGBT+ youth face daily. The stories like that of Leelah Alcorn really cut deep for me. Knowing their stories have a beginning and an end before they get to live a complete life really shakes me up and reminds me of the cruelty on this Earth. Over the past year I have really tried to learn more about being a gay Latinx living in a city. A year later, I am still trying to accept the wide spectrum that falls under the LGBT+ umbrella. The umbrella that I not only belong to, but the one I owe for the ability to understand my gender and sexuality.

                Starting the Pride! Club at school, taking part of the NELGBTC, and being more aware of the troubles in the community, I have attempted to dip my feet into waters very vast and unknown to me. This year, I hope to build on what I have learned, digested and experienced in my community to really start a change. School, work and internships won’t stop me on building myself and maybe even being able to help a person in need of emotional comfort and mutual understanding.

Leelah this year is for you, for me, for us as a community. 

Honesty

​Moving on. An action that can mean so many different things to so many different people. From the literal sense of continued movement on ones path, to the more connotative meaning of letting something go and heading on without looking back. Of course, as a writer of my own thoughts and opinions, I am using it in the sense of moving on with my life without stressing over the actions of others.  

​Recently, I have been able to speak to my friends about personal matters. It feels amazing getting input back from people who you care for, even if you dont show how much they mean to you. I have honestly never cared about people the way I have recently. Not only because I am beginning to form new intimate relationships, but because I have recently learned I havent done my best when it comes to understanding how people feel about my actions. This brings me to todays piece. Honesty.

​I have always thought people would be able to be honest with me. From my family to my friends, I have always tried my best to express myself, and I have clearly been slacking in the personal section of my life. With tensions rising in my family, to tensions rising in new blossoming friendships. My motto has always been to keep your head up and see the best in people, and entering college, I can tell that my opinions of people have changed dramatically. For the worst.

​Throughout high school I was able to connect with people with ease, and once I graduated and headed into college, my interactions with strong opinionated individuals shifted to those trying to fit in with people completely different then their normal cliques. This bothered me enough to step back from creating new bonds and experiences and become less social and rethink the people I had met. I needed someone to challenge me as an individual, and only when I met independent minds was I able to rethink what I was looking for not only for myself but for my friendships.

​Being completely open could be difficult for some people, I understand that completely. But once a bond is formed, I dont believe anyone should feel the need to hold back. Ive always thought honesty was the best policy for a friendship, but I know that it isnt the best thing for every person. I have been attacked by friends who I thought cared for me as much as I had cared for them, and these pety little arguments break the bonds I took so long to build. In my book, once I let you stay over my house and say what you wanted to say, we were close friends. Once I am able to understand you are having issues and try my best as a person to help you, I believe you should be able to voice your feelings out to the fullest.

​Honesty. Being able to talk to people you care for, and maybe even those who dont. Like all good things, honesty has a flip side. The method in which it is presented has a long lasting affect on a relationship. Being able to express your feelings and ideas while respecting the other persons feelings is the best way to go across the situation. It is also important to wait until youre sure enough about what you want to say and how you want the relationship to be like at the end of the conversation. Most people who feel that theyre unheard and unloved express themselves violently and cause problems for not only the person theyre attacking, but for themselves. Not being able to move on without a clear resolution can have a long lasting effect on future relationships.

​As for my own experience with honesty, I have learned it is a two way street with both parties looking to better their relationship. I write this to not only express my feelings about honesty, but to let go of what is holding me back from becoming not only a better friend, but a better companion. With the help of R. Brault I will do as any wise person would do and understand that, "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."