Survivors guilt: Feelings of guilt for having survived a catastrophe in which others died.
Dictionary.com
Although I smile daily and live my life the way I want to, not everyone is that lucky. Leelah Alcorn was a child. A child that not only took her own life, but did it in the hopes to move many. For me, it is hard to come to terms with learning of a suicide in the LGBT community; it pains me deeply. There are so many things I have learned throughout my life to deal with people and their opinions of me and it’s these teachings that have helped me to keep my head high and ignore thoughts that don't belong to me.
I grew up in the presence of a strong hispanic father who did what he could to raise a strong heterosexual first son. Of course, a strong son he raised, a strong male - in the sense of social masculinity- he did not. Although I identify as male, I still have my moments of gender fluidity. From wearing women's shoes to male underwear, my life is a mix-bag of almost everything. Even when my father disapproved of what I was doing, he would never yell at me or blame me for what I did. He would see me and stay quiet and try his best not to throw wood into the fire. But others are not as lucky as me. I have had friends who don't have the privilege to live life as loud as they want and feel comfortable being themselves in their own homes.
When I was young I watched Boys Don't Cry, which tells the true story of Brandon Teena, a trans man who ended up being raped and killed after a couple of guys found out he wasn't physically a man. Throughout the film we see how Brandon only wanted to love his girlfriend at the time and live life just like any other guy. Unfortunately, Brandon couldn’t live the way he wanted fully. Watching this movie left a mark on how I would go about being who I was as a confused child. Shortly after learning more about Brandon, I learned about Mathew Shepard. Shepard was targeted by two men who said they only intended to rob him, but as the trial continued it was found that the men had anti-gay views that led to the two beating and leaving Shepard to die. As a defense, their lawyers tried to pull a gay panic defense that didn’t hold a candle to the judge on the trial. My view on the straight male quickly changed and I grew fear towards any man who was quick to shoot me a dirty look for who I was.
As a gay man in todays society, I have learned that pride can help influence the people around you when it comes to understanding and openness, but also learned that there will always be people waiting to make an attack. I’ve had partners who have been assaulted in public, beaten behind closed doors, and ridiculed by their own parents just because of their sexual orientation. I’ve met transgendered males and females who have been shunned because of their gender. I, on the other hand, have always had a support system that has helped me to maintain a sense of security and fulfillment. I’m one of the lucky ones, but with that luck comes ignorance.
Sadly, not everyone has the ability to be surrounded by those who will stand tall with them. Many of these people take to drugs or even suicide to relieve the issues they face daily. Due to this, I can never be happy to be a gay man in todays society. To be able to walk down the street without the experience of knowing what it’s like to be attacked mentally or physically, I will never know what it is like to feel neglected. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to have had a support system my whole life and not face death in the face, but as a gay man, I feel guilty to have not been able to help anyone without the same support. It will always be hard for me to come to terms and internalize that every single day there is a person who is taking their own life because they feel alone, afraid or ashamed to be themselves.
When it comes to Leelah, I am upset at the fact that I DO understand what she wanted out of taking her own life. She wanted to be able to make a change in the society we live in and not let a book (the bible) dictate the way someone is viewed and treated. The fact that she wanted to be a statistic for someone to view and say, "Hey, we need to change things now!" is heartbreaking. No one should feel the need to be part of a chart in order to cause change in how people react and act to people wanting to live their own lives.
I can’t wrap my head around it, fully digest it, come to terms with what really is going on in the front lines of the LGBT community. While I sit back and think about the boyfriend I love, the friends that hold me up, and the family that has never kicked me to the curb, I also feel regret and misery for those who I can’t help; for those who need someone, for those not strong enough to hold on by themselves. Although Leelah took her life for a reason she deemed fit, we also see she was forced to make that decision because of the people around her. To know her parents would never accept her for who she was and have friends that turned their backs on her, the feeling of isolation ran deep in her thoughts. Even now that she is gone, people don’t respect her wishes and still refer to her by her birth gender and pronouns.
As part of a marginalized community, I want to do more to help. I want to help create change, help save a life. Alas, I am one man who doesn't know much of what is going on behind closed doors, and a man who fears that his actions will be in vain. For you Leelah, and for anyone going through these issues of not feeling accepted, I will do my best to help those who need it and educate those that fear change. Together as a community, change will come and people will learn to live their lives without regrets of being blacklisted.
My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s f***ed up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.
-Leela Alcorn
Rest in peace, angel. You have ignited a realization in this man and I will do my best to learn more about what it means to be trans, what it’s like to be alone, and to understand the power it took, the realization and hurt it must have been, for you to take your own life in order to make a difference in your community. You will be loved now the way you should have been loved when you were with us.
And that is the
saddest realization of all.
