Thank You, Positive Vibes ~

Buenos Dias,

I am on a mission to prove you wrong, and I must remember to thank you for your words of encouragement.

Thank you for taking the time to try and belittle me and my decisions. Thank you for reminding me that I have so much stored up potential that I need to use in order to succeed.

Thank you for shaming my mind, body and emotions. My thought processes, my actions and my beliefs have all grown the skin needed to get through your cut throat words.

My life is taking me on a journey of acceptance and understanding, but I won’t forget everything you have said. I will make it, I will succeed your expectations.

Gracias,

Su Sucesor.

P.S. #PositiveVibes ~

Don't Worry, I Can

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, looking to sink my teeth into a love like Edward Cullen. I truly believed there was a person out there for everyone, and that when we found them, we would do our best to make sure the love was healthy and everlasting. Long walks on the beach, cuddling during any type of storm, being able to truly be appreciated for everything you are, I wanted it to be like the movies.

Now, years later, I find myself looking for love that can be true and pure. I want to be able to be trusted, and give my complete trust back. I want fireworks every single time we talk. I want everything.

Today, I find myself feeling like these are just dreams, as if people are to self-centered and closed off to want the same thing, and I thought expressing myself as a bad boy would make me fit into the mold society is carving out. I AM NOT CLAY. I will not allow myself to be shaped the same way as everyone else. I will not lose sight on what makes me, me.

I want love that stares me in the face every single morning and tells me I am safe, heard and respected. I want a love that tells me when I overstep the boundary but loves me even with my faults. I want love that isn’t based on sex, but understands the importance of expressing sexual attraction and pleasure. I want a love that will wait for me, that I can wait for, and build something even bigger than ourselves.

I want a family. I want kids. I want the whole nine yards. I will not allow my sexuality to define the life I can live with my partner, and I will fight for it. I want to own a home that will house my future family and the life we create for ourselves. I want to beat the odds.

I don’t want to give into the pressures of everyone around me. I will NOT allow myself to become a statistic of gay Latinx men that live in the ghettos of the city. I will NOT allow myself to be played with emotionally. I will NOT sell myself short and look for love inside of lust.

I will fight. I will protect. I will continue to search for what I want in life, and for the person who will truly value my time and efforts. I will no longer just write down my feelings and not better myself. I will take a stand for what I deserve. I will get up and make sure I am the best person I can be.

I don’t care if I am young. I don’t care if I am still a student. I know the life I want to live, and if I have to wait for people to reach the same level of maturity, I will. No more second chances. Just me being me; true, honest and pure.

From Guilt to Action

A year ago today I was hit by the tragic news of Leelah Alcorn, a brave girl who took her life to make a change in our society. She was willing to take her own life and become a statistic for trans women everywhere and help push for social reform. Today, a year later, I am still riddled with the guilt of not being able to understand the circumstances she was in. I am not trying to sound ungrateful of the people around me that have supported me through the worst, but I am acknowledging the fact not everyone has had it as easy as I have.

                I have been called a faggot, I have been made a fool of for peoples’ entertainment, and I have cried tears of fear of what could happen to me because of who I am. Through all the rough patches, I was still accepted by the people who I wanted nothing but the best for, the people I called family. Being able to live my life without any fear of being completely ostracized by my peers helped me build my confidence in facing the world and the many people that looked at me with disgust and judgement.

                Of course, this confidence blinded me of the reality that many LGBT+ youth face daily. The stories like that of Leelah Alcorn really cut deep for me. Knowing their stories have a beginning and an end before they get to live a complete life really shakes me up and reminds me of the cruelty on this Earth. Over the past year I have really tried to learn more about being a gay Latinx living in a city. A year later, I am still trying to accept the wide spectrum that falls under the LGBT+ umbrella. The umbrella that I not only belong to, but the one I owe for the ability to understand my gender and sexuality.

                Starting the Pride! Club at school, taking part of the NELGBTC, and being more aware of the troubles in the community, I have attempted to dip my feet into waters very vast and unknown to me. This year, I hope to build on what I have learned, digested and experienced in my community to really start a change. School, work and internships won’t stop me on building myself and maybe even being able to help a person in need of emotional comfort and mutual understanding.

Leelah this year is for you, for me, for us as a community. 

Leadership: The View from a Not So Leader

Apparently, I am the only one that feels that I don't have the skills necessary to form new relationships. Growing up in a broken home with broken fellowships, I never quite got the hang of making friends. To this day, I do not feel capable of going up to someone and starting something that could be as beautiful as a friendship. Of course, that's me looking from the inside out.

Throughout high school I would get in trouble for my friend's actions because I was told I was one of the two leaders in the group. I personally have never felt in control of any of my friendships and continue to try and come out with a mutual agreement when making plans. Yes, I do have a loud personality with little to no boundaries But I allow myself to hear what people have to say and in turn be able to take what they say into consideration. Recently, I have been told more often that I have great leadership skills and am able to communicate in such a professional manner, that it is taking me by surprise.

I had little to no friends growing up. It took me a hell of a while to be able to talk to a classmate and talk about more than school. People I meet feel as if I have friends all over the world, when frankly I truly only know a handful of people inside and out. I have always tried to accept people for who they are, even if they have traits that aren't agreeable with my standards. As a communications major, I feel that it is my job to make sure I am able to not only accept anyone into my life, but be able to understand them.

I have had a handful of experiences with all types of people, from the physically impaired, to the mentally unstable. I have always looked to the best in people, no matter their issues, and I believe that makes me a great person. I can look at someone and treat them as a human and not as a brittle piece of glass that needs the worlds protection. Of course, if someone needs to be protected I believe I have the right to intervene to make sure nothing happens to the said person. I'll admit, I have my flaws when it comes to making friends, but I try my best to try and keep the bonds I create.

Leadership is a skill, a trait, and responsibility I don't even know how to use correctly. I never knew I had it.

Leadership is such a strong word that I personally don't believe it fits into my character. I feel like any other person in the crowd despite coming off as having a strong personality with views people don't normally share with the rest of the world. I have always wanted to walk in the middle of the group rather than the front. I try to listen to everyone in a conversation instead of hearing out only one person. I've never tried to lead a group, I simply wanted to be a part of one.

Knowing I can be a leader helps me understand that I can one day lead my own life and know I will have people behind me to support my every decision, even if they don't always agree. I will continue to be the outgoing person I have always tried to be, and knowing I can lead people makes me feel as humble as anyone in my position should be.

Fortunately, being seen as a leader makes me even more responsible when it comes to understanding how people feel. It's a hard and yet thrilling task to be able to get to know someone on that deep of a level, and accept the people around me for who they are. Knowing that I can have an effect on someone's views helps me appreciate the people who ignored me for many years. That my views of the world matter and I can be the voice for people who are too introverted to speak for themselves.

I will continue my growth as a student, friend, and leader in order to be the voice people want, instead of an unrefined man who chooses to be more self involved. All I need from my friends and family is to be open about how they feel, about what they want out of me. I can't be the person to voice opinions if I don't know what people think I need to do to get there. I respect honesty in order to work with everyone, as well as understand myself.

Great leaders not only lead their friends across journeys, but understand that not only their views are important, that in essence every individual in the crowd has an opinion and view that is just as important.  

English as a Second Language

Twenty years of life and my ability to understand Spanish and English has come a long way. My parents, both immigrants from Guatemala, only speak spanish. Being born in Boston, I was able to get taught in a bilingual class up until second grade when I chose to transfer over to a completely Enlish speaking class. Kids in my class were learning how to construct sentences and already learned the alphabet in their past classes. I on the other hand had to learn from the beginning. My alphabet consisted of different letters and different sounds and my teachers approach to teach me all these new sounds consisted of lyrics and beats. Singing along to R Kellys I Believe I Can Fly I was able to sound out the words and slowly get acustomed to the language I decided to dive into.

Third grade came and the language got so much more complicated. My parents didnt understand my work so when I would get home and lie about doing my homework. I would read picture books while everyone else were to busy reading into their chapters and spelling out words I had never heard before. Spelling t`ests would be dreadful and my mind would run blanks. Once I remember sounding the words out in Spanish so I would be able to spell them out and understand them. Without trying I got my first B without practice. Of course, due to my slow progression in my vocabulary I had to sit back in the same chair for another year.

English then became nothing but words that I never intended to use. Teachers would read my papers and congradulate me on my progression, but because I was having trouble putting the words together in my head I never felt as if I was getting better. I needed to let my thoughts out and would use poetry and its ability to become a flow of thoughts and ideas. My teachers thought it was amazing how structured my words were and how I was able to make connecitons with things my classmates wouldnt even think about. My pen was becoming stronger and my tongue became frozen.

After my junior year my words stopped flowing and my thoughts became silent. Maybe it was puberty or maybe even the change in school, but I havent written down my thoughts in almost three years, and my thoughts are dying to be written down, and my fingers want to create written art for anyone to see. When I speak my head spins and I studder harder than I ever have, my words become a tangled mess for even the smallest of conversations. Im trying to reconstruct what time has slowly started to eat away at, my words and my language. Spanish was my first language, but English has shown me how to be the person I am today.