Thank You, Positive Vibes ~

Buenos Dias,

I am on a mission to prove you wrong, and I must remember to thank you for your words of encouragement.

Thank you for taking the time to try and belittle me and my decisions. Thank you for reminding me that I have so much stored up potential that I need to use in order to succeed.

Thank you for shaming my mind, body and emotions. My thought processes, my actions and my beliefs have all grown the skin needed to get through your cut throat words.

My life is taking me on a journey of acceptance and understanding, but I won’t forget everything you have said. I will make it, I will succeed your expectations.

Gracias,

Su Sucesor.

P.S. #PositiveVibes ~

Don't Worry, I Can

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, looking to sink my teeth into a love like Edward Cullen. I truly believed there was a person out there for everyone, and that when we found them, we would do our best to make sure the love was healthy and everlasting. Long walks on the beach, cuddling during any type of storm, being able to truly be appreciated for everything you are, I wanted it to be like the movies.

Now, years later, I find myself looking for love that can be true and pure. I want to be able to be trusted, and give my complete trust back. I want fireworks every single time we talk. I want everything.

Today, I find myself feeling like these are just dreams, as if people are to self-centered and closed off to want the same thing, and I thought expressing myself as a bad boy would make me fit into the mold society is carving out. I AM NOT CLAY. I will not allow myself to be shaped the same way as everyone else. I will not lose sight on what makes me, me.

I want love that stares me in the face every single morning and tells me I am safe, heard and respected. I want a love that tells me when I overstep the boundary but loves me even with my faults. I want love that isn’t based on sex, but understands the importance of expressing sexual attraction and pleasure. I want a love that will wait for me, that I can wait for, and build something even bigger than ourselves.

I want a family. I want kids. I want the whole nine yards. I will not allow my sexuality to define the life I can live with my partner, and I will fight for it. I want to own a home that will house my future family and the life we create for ourselves. I want to beat the odds.

I don’t want to give into the pressures of everyone around me. I will NOT allow myself to become a statistic of gay Latinx men that live in the ghettos of the city. I will NOT allow myself to be played with emotionally. I will NOT sell myself short and look for love inside of lust.

I will fight. I will protect. I will continue to search for what I want in life, and for the person who will truly value my time and efforts. I will no longer just write down my feelings and not better myself. I will take a stand for what I deserve. I will get up and make sure I am the best person I can be.

I don’t care if I am young. I don’t care if I am still a student. I know the life I want to live, and if I have to wait for people to reach the same level of maturity, I will. No more second chances. Just me being me; true, honest and pure.

From Guilt to Action

A year ago today I was hit by the tragic news of Leelah Alcorn, a brave girl who took her life to make a change in our society. She was willing to take her own life and become a statistic for trans women everywhere and help push for social reform. Today, a year later, I am still riddled with the guilt of not being able to understand the circumstances she was in. I am not trying to sound ungrateful of the people around me that have supported me through the worst, but I am acknowledging the fact not everyone has had it as easy as I have.

                I have been called a faggot, I have been made a fool of for peoples’ entertainment, and I have cried tears of fear of what could happen to me because of who I am. Through all the rough patches, I was still accepted by the people who I wanted nothing but the best for, the people I called family. Being able to live my life without any fear of being completely ostracized by my peers helped me build my confidence in facing the world and the many people that looked at me with disgust and judgement.

                Of course, this confidence blinded me of the reality that many LGBT+ youth face daily. The stories like that of Leelah Alcorn really cut deep for me. Knowing their stories have a beginning and an end before they get to live a complete life really shakes me up and reminds me of the cruelty on this Earth. Over the past year I have really tried to learn more about being a gay Latinx living in a city. A year later, I am still trying to accept the wide spectrum that falls under the LGBT+ umbrella. The umbrella that I not only belong to, but the one I owe for the ability to understand my gender and sexuality.

                Starting the Pride! Club at school, taking part of the NELGBTC, and being more aware of the troubles in the community, I have attempted to dip my feet into waters very vast and unknown to me. This year, I hope to build on what I have learned, digested and experienced in my community to really start a change. School, work and internships won’t stop me on building myself and maybe even being able to help a person in need of emotional comfort and mutual understanding.

Leelah this year is for you, for me, for us as a community. 

A Tail of Tush

Disclaimer: This piece involves graphic language that isn’t suitable for children.


Buttocks: either of the two large fleshy masses of thick muscular tissue that form the human rump See also gluteus related adjectives gluteal natal.
                                                -Dictionary.com

        The human body is made up of many parts, from fingers to toes. Each part has its own uses distinctions. As humans, we also find some parts to be playful, erotic, and sexy. For me, the human body, big or small, is beautiful and when seen with open eyes, we get to see the human body as something more than physical matter; we see it how nature intended us to see it: appealing. Sexual by nature, humans also find our own joy in the body. For me that would be the buttocks, known by the younger generation as the booty, and by the scientific community as the gluteus maximus.

        There is something about the rounded nature of the butt that attracts me. Since I was young, I always knew I would grow up and appreciate it for what it was, a personal aphrodisiac. When I was searching for my sexuality the curves and structure of the butt would always catch my attention, especially when it was on a male’s body. Big or small, there is something about a man’s  derriere that makes me want to grab, squeeze, and feel on the cold skin surrounding it. Don’t get me wrong, a female with a curved derrière is something to appreciate and admire, but a man who’s back side is as sturdy as his front side is like gold, a piece to admire.

        For me an ass is an ass, peach fuzz or not. The smooth hairs that cover the sphere, to the soft skin that lays on the muscles built by Gods hands himself, shows character. An ass with a little character is an ass with appeal. It doesn’t need to be the meatiest or the most compact, it doesn’t need to pop out through clothing or distorted by the pants one wears. As long as it’s round, smooth and organic- a butt is beautiful the way nature intended.

        A weird thing about my fixation on the gluteus maximus is my lack thereof. I don’t have the roundest, or smoothest, or biggest booty in the world- but it’s not the one I admire. It isn’t on a person who can show it off and flaunt what they were given. If I did, I wouldn’t be so fixated on anyone else’s.

        As long as there’s a curve on a waist, a slight appearance of a bump, there will always be a sight for sore eyes, and my eyes are always sore..

Survivors Guilt

Survivors guilt: Feelings of guilt for having survived a catastrophe in which others died.

Dictionary.com

Although I smile daily and live my life the way I want to, not everyone is that lucky. Leelah Alcorn was a child. A child that not only took her own life, but did it in the hopes to move many. For me, it is hard to come to terms with learning of a suicide in the LGBT community; it pains me deeply. There are so many things I have learned throughout my life to deal with people and their opinions of me and it’s these teachings that have helped me to keep my head high and ignore thoughts that don't belong to me.

I grew up in the presence of a strong hispanic father who did what he could to raise a strong heterosexual first son. Of course, a strong son he raised, a strong male - in the sense of social masculinity- he did not. Although I identify as male, I still have my moments of gender fluidity. From wearing women's shoes to male underwear, my life is a mix-bag of almost everything. Even when my father disapproved of what I was doing, he would never yell at me or blame me for what I did. He would see me and stay quiet and try his best not to throw wood into the fire. But others are not as lucky as me. I have had friends who don't have the privilege to live life as loud as they want and feel comfortable being themselves in their own homes.

When I was young I watched Boys Don't Cry, which tells the true story of Brandon Teena, a trans man who ended up being raped and killed after a couple of guys found out he wasn't physically a man. Throughout the film we see how Brandon only wanted to love his girlfriend at the time and live life just like any other guy. Unfortunately, Brandon couldn’t live the way he wanted fully. Watching this movie left a mark on how I would go about being who I was as a confused child. Shortly after learning more about Brandon, I learned about Mathew Shepard. Shepard was targeted by two men who said they only intended to rob him, but as the trial continued it was found that the men had anti-gay views that led to the two beating and leaving Shepard to die. As a defense, their lawyers tried to pull a gay panic defense that didn’t hold a candle to the judge on the trial. My view on the straight male quickly changed and I grew fear towards any man who was quick to shoot me a dirty look for who I was.

As a gay man in todays society, I have learned that pride can help influence the people around you when it comes to understanding and openness, but also learned that there will always be people waiting to make an attack. I’ve had partners who have been assaulted in public, beaten behind closed doors, and ridiculed by their own parents just because of their sexual orientation. I’ve met transgendered males and females who have been shunned because of their gender. I, on the other hand, have always had a support system that has helped me to maintain a sense of security and fulfillment. I’m one of the lucky ones, but with that luck comes ignorance.

Sadly, not everyone has the ability to be surrounded by those who will stand tall with them. Many of these people take to drugs or even suicide to relieve the issues they face daily. Due to this, I can never be happy to be a gay man in todays society. To be able to walk down the street without the experience of knowing what it’s like to be attacked mentally or physically, I will never know what it is like to feel neglected. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to have had a support system my whole life and not face death in the face, but as a gay man, I feel guilty to have not been able to help anyone without the same support. It will always be hard for me to come to terms and internalize that every single day there is a person who is taking their own life because they feel alone, afraid or ashamed to be themselves.

When it comes to Leelah, I am upset at the fact that I DO understand what she wanted out of taking her own life. She wanted to be able to make a change in the society we live in and not let a book (the bible) dictate the way someone is viewed and treated.  The fact that she wanted to be a statistic for someone to view and say, "Hey, we need to change things now!" is heartbreaking. No one should feel the need to be part of a chart in order to cause change in how people react and act to people wanting to live their own lives.

I can’t wrap my head around it, fully digest it, come to terms with what really is going on in the front lines of the LGBT community. While I sit back and think about the boyfriend I love, the friends that hold me up, and the family that has never kicked me to the curb, I also feel regret and misery for those who I can’t help; for those who need someone, for those not strong enough to hold on by themselves. Although Leelah took her life for a reason she deemed fit, we also see she was forced to make that decision because of the people around her. To know her parents would never accept her for who she was and have friends that turned their backs on her, the feeling of isolation ran deep in her thoughts. Even now that she is gone, people don’t respect her wishes and still refer to her by her birth gender and pronouns.

As part of a marginalized community, I want to do more to help. I want to help create change, help save a life. Alas, I am one man who doesn't know much of what is going on behind closed doors, and a man who fears that his actions will be in vain. For you Leelah, and for anyone going through these issues of not feeling accepted, I will do my best to help those who need it and educate those that fear change. Together as a community, change will come and people will learn to live their lives without regrets of being blacklisted.

My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s f***ed up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.
-Leela Alcorn

Rest in peace, angel. You have ignited a realization in this man and I will do my best to learn more about what it means to be trans, what it’s like to be alone, and to understand the power it took, the realization and hurt it must have been, for you to take your own life in order to make a difference in your community. You will be loved now the way you should have been loved when you were with us.

And that is the saddest realization of all.

The Deal-io

I started this blog in order to not only help express myself, but to relieve me of the anxiety that has had me in a choke-hold. I am not one to get anxious or paranoid, but lately I have been feeling vulnerable. Some of you may not understand the feelings of anxiety, but in my experience, they’re the feelings of fear and uneasiness that creep up on you out of nowhere.

They’re suffocating.

I have come to find out these anxiety attacks I’ve been struggling with can be triggered by the smallest things at any given moment. I would get the urge to use the bathroom and then BAM, I would just get too anxious to go. My mind would spin, my hands would turn cold, and I wouldn’t be able to control it. Anxiety had never been more real for me. Since I have started this blog, I do not feel that my anxiety is bothering me the way it has before, where I would freeze up and my heart would race a thousand times a second.

It first started at my workplace, where I am a crew member and cashier at an independent frozen yogurt joint. Seems pretty laid back and wholesome, right?

I was there, ringing up a customer like I had done so many times before, and my hands started to shake uncontrollably. From there, I was stuttering like nobody’s business and mumbling, if anything was to come out of my mouth in a full sentence. If you have spoken to me in person you’d know I am not the silent, shy type. I am, for the most part, easy going and love to meet new people, even if it’s hard to get to know someone you just met. I’m outgoing in that sense.

In this moment, I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. My guard was down and all I wanted to do was shrink and disappear from the scene. I stood there and tried to compose myself from the fumbling mess I was becoming with no avail, all the while thinking to myself:

”What just happened?”

In the past if I would stop talking to someone, there would have to be a real reason for it. Depending on the situation, I would never think back on it and get upset. The truth of the matter is there is always that person who will anger you to the point where you have no choice but to let them go. It was the right choice and yet I was still angry at them for what they had put me through and how they treated the situation altogether. The anger I was holding on to, I believe, is what caused my mind to spiral into chaos. It was too much, too bottled up, and had nowhere to go.

I freaked out.

I have always been the type of person to understand how fragile my emotions are. Throughout high school I would know my feelings so well there was a set schedule when things would happen. Once a month I would pick a night and just cry.

Literally, sit in my room and cry for no given reason.

It was a stress reliever only a few people knew about. I would call it my “boy period” because I would feel sick to my stomach and just release any hidden problems. It came to my realization that every time I cried my eyes out there would be a full moon, or the sky would shine brighter than usual. To me, it meant that there was a brighter side to my problems and things would turn out okay. It was the strangest routine for me, but I felt relief and comforted in those moments after.

It was an amazing feeling to finally let my worries go into the night.

Fast forward to today and my emotional awareness isn’t even present in my every day life. I go around not understanding myself like I once did and being too lazy to try and fix what I miss about my younger self. With this blog, I hope to be able to understand myself, while allowing myself to be open to you, my fellow readers.

My anxiety, although still present, doesn’t control me the way it did a month ago. I will be able to understand myself one day and with the help of this blog, I can already see progress in myself. 

Connections known as Friendship

I remember a time when I was able to speak about my feelings to more than just one person. I would be able to ask someone for their time and reveal the many faces that make up who I am. Friendship is crucial in a world filled with liars and deceivers. In a world filled with billions of people, why is it hard to speak?

I remember the time I had a friend to call my own. To be able to know their secrets and thoughts without any judgment towards their stance on life, was a feeling of hope and love. To be able to call this person a friend and understand that their struggle is also yours, to know that if they needed anything, that they had you to rely on, was an amazing balance. Trust was more than letters on a page, or a word in your dictionary, but a feeling and an action. Being able to hold someone else's thoughts as my own gave me a reason to live and accept.

But do connections really last? I am young and I am reckless, but I also believe that I understand what friendship holds and what it means to care for another person. I have always tried to think of the reason I do the things that I do, say the things that I say, and act the way I do in different situations. I have always told myself it is because of the friendships I have formed throughout my life. Thinking back on it now, I believe that the people I have loved and have given many days of my life to be with are the reason I behave the way I do.

Today, I understand that my view on friendship has to change. I have to form a new ideology on what I need to do in order to keep the bonds I try so hard to keep. Everyone has that person that they can go years without seeing and still understand that they have formed a bond and it should be preserved no matter the time frame.

For the time being, I will keep my existing ideology. No matter the time we have apart, I will care for you and live for the day that we once again meet and enjoy each others company, have no boundaries with each other and know that what we say is nothing more than fun and games, and understand that we will always respect and appreciate the mutual effort being applied by everyone. I will continue to try and form more bonds, and not for the sake of saying I know people, but for the sake of what I wanted to accomplish as a child: to be able to help anyone feel appreciated.