Don't Worry, I Can

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, looking to sink my teeth into a love like Edward Cullen. I truly believed there was a person out there for everyone, and that when we found them, we would do our best to make sure the love was healthy and everlasting. Long walks on the beach, cuddling during any type of storm, being able to truly be appreciated for everything you are, I wanted it to be like the movies.

Now, years later, I find myself looking for love that can be true and pure. I want to be able to be trusted, and give my complete trust back. I want fireworks every single time we talk. I want everything.

Today, I find myself feeling like these are just dreams, as if people are to self-centered and closed off to want the same thing, and I thought expressing myself as a bad boy would make me fit into the mold society is carving out. I AM NOT CLAY. I will not allow myself to be shaped the same way as everyone else. I will not lose sight on what makes me, me.

I want love that stares me in the face every single morning and tells me I am safe, heard and respected. I want a love that tells me when I overstep the boundary but loves me even with my faults. I want love that isn’t based on sex, but understands the importance of expressing sexual attraction and pleasure. I want a love that will wait for me, that I can wait for, and build something even bigger than ourselves.

I want a family. I want kids. I want the whole nine yards. I will not allow my sexuality to define the life I can live with my partner, and I will fight for it. I want to own a home that will house my future family and the life we create for ourselves. I want to beat the odds.

I don’t want to give into the pressures of everyone around me. I will NOT allow myself to become a statistic of gay Latinx men that live in the ghettos of the city. I will NOT allow myself to be played with emotionally. I will NOT sell myself short and look for love inside of lust.

I will fight. I will protect. I will continue to search for what I want in life, and for the person who will truly value my time and efforts. I will no longer just write down my feelings and not better myself. I will take a stand for what I deserve. I will get up and make sure I am the best person I can be.

I don’t care if I am young. I don’t care if I am still a student. I know the life I want to live, and if I have to wait for people to reach the same level of maturity, I will. No more second chances. Just me being me; true, honest and pure.